10 years ago, on this very day July 31, 2007, I became a Motherless Daughter. At the mere age of 17 years old, when life just began for me, my mother’s life ended! To say that I was lost is an understatement.
I had just graduated from High School that past month in June…
My youngest brother’s 17th birthday was 3 days prior…
I was in a complete state of shock.
My mom had raised me as a single parent so she was all that I had. I was a teenage mom, so not only did she raise me, she was raising my children as well. My world was turned upside and I didn’t know what to do. Where was I supposed to live? How will I survive? What happens next?
This day started out as a regular day for me. I had been working part time at Pathmark in Parsippany, NJ. I had awaken that morning and my mom seemed “fine,” her usual self. My mom cared for my children while I worked for a few hours. I finished up work, purchased a box of diapers and headed to the bus stop. Little did I know, the moment I stepped foot off of the bus my life would be changed forever.
We lived in a 4 bedroom apartment located on top of a well known Unisex Salon in East Orange, NJ. The owner and hair stylists were close friends of my mom. As I got closer to our apartment I knew something was wrong. One of my mom’s friends who is a stylist in the Salon immediately greeted me by the front door to our apartment. She stated my daughter Zahnya is downstairs inside the Salon because my mom was rushed to the hospital. I can’t quite remember where my son was.
Immediately, I felt like I was losing oxygen and my chest was tightening up. I’m a very emotional and sensitive person but I am equally (if not more) private; people rarely see me expressing those emotions openly. I felt like my world was caving in on me. I immediately wanted to rush to the hospital but I got a call from one of the doctors treating my mom…. or was it from one of her friends?? (I can’t quite remember) They needed the names of the medications my mom was taking. She was taking so many that I had to actually get them together and my intentions were to bring them to the hospital. As I was gathering them all, it was too late! Two of my mom’s close friends who were at the hospital with her, called me and told me she had passed away……
“If I had the chance to meet you for one last time I would just ask you to hug me as tightly as you can, rest my head on your shoulders… and cry till my tears run dry. I miss you mom.”
This was the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life. Worser than finding out that I am going to be a teenage mother. I was gathering her medicine.. I was going to go to see her.. I was coming!.. I never got the chance to say goodbye.. I never got the chance to have a relationship with her.. I never got the chance to “know” her.. She will never get the chance to “know” me.. She will never have a relationship with my children.. I am all alone. My mother died.. What am I supposed to do now?
My mother was the MATRIARCH of our family. She maintained relationships with each and every one of our family members. She always reached out to everyone, she made sure every one was okay and of good health, she helped anyone that she could. She would give the shirt off her back to anyone who may need it and the thought of her being naked never came across her mind nor did she expect anything in return. She was truly a wonderful and beautiful person inside and out. When she passed away, the ties that bound the family were buried in her grave along with her body.
“Life took you away from us, too young. You will always be, our hero unsung. I miss you mom.”
We didn’t have a close relationship. She was religious (Muslim) and strict. Alot of topics and discussions were “off limits.” For sure without a doubt she loved her grandchildren. Especially my daughter (her first grandchild). Everywhere you saw my mother, you’d see Nya. The love she had for my daughter was reassurance of the love she had for me on the days when I had doubt! I loved her and I absolutely know she loved me but if given time, our relationship definitely would have grown. I missed my opportunity to THANK her! To HUG her! To tell her I LOVE her!
Besides my mom’s first cousin and her bestfriend, not one single person was there for my children, my brother or myself. All of her family members and so called friends, were no where to be found. I am an Independent Woman with alot of Pride and I was put in a position where I was forced to ask for help.
My mom had a phone book where she wrote down all of contacts. I called each and every one of the numbers in her book. Especially her “close friends who called her family.” I told them “my mom passed away and I don’t know what to do. We don’t have anywhere to go!” No one came to our rescue. No one gave a D***. Not her mother, not my older brother, not even her family!
I was only 17. I was just a kid.
My life had just began.
I needed help and there was no one there for me!
It wasn’t easy at all. I was forced to make decisions I that were unfamiliar to me. I wasn’t afforded time to grieve. I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. At that time in my life I didn’t have a relationship with GOD so life was HARD and LONELY.
I can’t wallow in self pity forever. After all, life goes on right?
To this very day, I am still hurt. I will never have a relationship with my mom. I have no one to encourage me, support me, guide me, advise me nor to give me unconditional love. Who raised me? Who guided me? Who nurtured me?
God first and trial and error thereafter!
Losing a parent at a young age makes you mature faster. You are forced to survive on your own. I was helpless. I was now responsible for my own well being, my children and my younger brother. We are only 10 months apart but at age 17, you are still considered a child. The passing of my mom left me with some hard and difficult choices to make.
I will never get over her passing. Each day that passes just makes it a little more easier to bare. Please don’t feel sorry for me, theres always one or two things that happens in life that we may not understand but they happen for a reason!
Rest in Heaven my Dear Mother!
“Dear Ma, If I had the chance to meet you for one last time I would just ask you to hug me as tightly as you can, rest my head on your shoulders… and cry till my tears run dry. I miss you ma!”
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